The Worst Cover of a Ludacris Track.

Kids.  One day they’re arguing about whether Wolverine could beat up Scorpion, the next day they’re covering a Ludacris track for a live studio audience.  They just grow up so damn fast!  Unfortunately for our friend Oliver, the result of said maturation is not a good thing.  Haha, maturation.

Do I know why the host is speaking German and Oliver is clearly rapping in an urban American dialect of the English language?  I do not.  Just like I do not know why Oliver insists on imitating a chicken while dancing, or why he seems to bring his hand to his thigh when clearly referring to a “big ol’ ass.”  Does he not know where his ass is?  I feel like that’s Rapper 101 kinda stuff.  I also wonder whether or not Oliver knows what sticky icky icky is.  I would assume the studio audience does, as they seem to be completely entralled by this boy’s performance.

The undisputed best part of this worst cover, though, occurs at the 2:45 mark.  Oliver really drops the ball here.  If you’re a 10-year-old white boy and you want to immediately silence an otherwise supportive crowd that has been clapping along to your performance thus far on stage, then all you have to do is stop moving and yell “nigga what!” into the mic.  BAM!  Instant uneasiness abounds.  And nobody knows how to react for the rest of the act.

Then, oh shit!  The ending.  You find out this kid, who sounded straight out of Bed-Stuy to me, is really German!  Seriously!  Which must make Germans racist, which should come as little surprise given their checkered past.  Is this a sweeping generalization on my part?  Perhaps, but all of the judges gave him a ’5′.  I’m not sure if a German ’5′ is the same as an American ’5′ – metric system and umlauts, you know – but this is definitely the worst Ludacris cover ever, so I’m going to hope the Krauts got at least one thing right and scaled this out of 6,000,000 or something.

EDIT: Alright, so I had to include this.  I did a little Googling to see what our buddy Oliver is up to these days, and came across OthenticO’s MySpace.  OthenticO, of course, being his stage name.  I guess it’s more intimidating than ‘Oliver.’

A couple of things strike me about this page.  One, sadly, he has much better taste in hip-hop than I had before my nuts had dropped.  Two, he has roughly 1,500 more friends than I ever had on MySpace.  Three, this kid is positively g’d up from the feet up.  Four, “Say No” is the first and therefore only anti-pedophile rap I’ve ever heard.  I think this is an area of hip-hop that has a lot of potential.  Five, holy shit, he’s young-style Brother Ali on “The Pope Track”, which is both inspiring and creepy to think about – mostly because Brother Ali’s childhood was presumably spent locked in an attic away from all the non-albinos.  Six, Oliver…sorry, OthenticO…has better production value per track at age 17 (seriously? I just did the math, probably wrong like usual) than Soulja Boy and/or Dem Franchise Boys has/have ever had.  Seven, I better start watching what I say out my mouth because his friends – at first glance – look much more imposing than my friends (who are, admittedly, a collection of fireflies and worms I keep in a big jar.)

And eight, this picture will now make my day every day for the rest of my life:

Middle finger up for those who hate me!

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