The Worst News Mishaps.

It might come as a shock to most of us, but newscasters are human.  Though they display the chiseled faces of porcelain demi-gods and speak with the eloquence of the smartest person at a Victorian-era cocktail party, they are just as prone to mistakes as you or me.  And, it turns out when they happen, it’s pretty damn funny.  For all of us!

1.  Wanted: Rodney Stranger

Imagine that you’re Molly Bish’s parents.  You’re watching the six o’clock news, hoping to catch the segment where the police finally release that sketch of the lead suspect in your daughter’s disappearance.  You’ve haven’t slept for days, you’re worried, confused, scared.  You just want to know who took your daughter.  Well, somehow I’d imagine you’re going to have a hard time buying into the ol’ “hamster abducted my daughter” scenario.  You’ll see through that ruse quickly, and realize that maybe the police don’t quite yet have a viable suspect.

2.  I’ve Got Some Candy In My Weather Van!

Another embarrassing misuse of infographics.  My favorite part of this, though, has to be that he continues without any hesitation.  It’s almost as if he’s accepted the fact that, yeah, he’s a child molester.  So what?!  He can still forecast the shit out of your work week, and if that costs the innocence of a few third-graders here and there, is it really that big of a deal?

3.  Fuck You Mother Whore Shit!

Hey, if you’re gonna get fired, this is how you do it.  Go out with a bang!  Why get some boring-ass pink slip when you can ruin the days of every mother who has a television on within earshot of their cereal-chomping children?  If you do this, of course, you must smile like a complete lunatic for the 10 seconds immediately following your outburst.  It’s the only way to show that you damn well meant what you said.

4.  For the Love of God and All That Is Holy!

This is particularly horrible because it starts out as a shitty philosophy lecture and ends up as a shitty dramatic plea.  Just think about the cold, people!  Think about the nature of cold!  Cold is just so damn…cold!  Holy Sweet Jesus, who resides in the highest of Heavens, cold is cold!  It’s fucking cold!  Do you understand?  Sweet mercy, for the love of God and all that is HOLY, cold is cold!  It’s not a fucking tropical lagoon!  It’s cold!  Do you understand what I am telling you?  Do you understand that the fate of the motherfucking free world hinges on this concept?

Not only is it cold, it’s expletive expletive sub-zero!  Do you know how cold that is?  That’s much colder than cold.  That’s negative cold, that’s how cold that is.  HOLY SUB ZERO!

So do you people see, huh?  Do you fucking see?  SUB ZERO!  That’s the kinda shit that happens at Sub Zero.  People get frozen and shit.  Their heads fall to the feet of mysterious Asian men.  And God knows what they do with those heads!  Do you really want that for your children?  HUH?!

5.  A Man’s Man.

I’m not a betting man.  Far from it.  But I think it’s safe to say that this guy won’t be stealing your woman anytime soon.  Not that I have a problem with the GLBT community.  Be yourself, I say!  Not only might you win an Oscar for it, but you can end up on YouTube as well.  And really, isn’t everyone’s ultimate life goal to be immortalized somehow on the Internet?  (I already have, undoubtedly, through leaked sexting pics that surely have been sitting proudly on the hard drive of pedophiles nationwide since 2004!)

6.  Naughty Girl!

Infer all you want as to her sexual preferences.  All I know is, I want this woman reading me the news every morning.  At exactly 7:37 a.m.  And if she’s even a second late, it’s a spanking for her.  Oh yes.  You like that, don’t you?

7.  Bulging.

This isn’t necessarily funny because of the anchors, but rather, because you can imagine how this field assignment went for the cameraman.

Cameraman: So, what do you want me to do again?
Reporter: I don’t know, it’s a story on vasectomies.  What’s vasectomy-related?
Cameraman: Well, uh, dicks I suppose.
Reporter: Great.  We’ll get some shots of those.  Let’s start with mine!
Cameraman: Um, I don’t think we can show dicks on live television.
Reporter: Touche.  Damn.  Can we show crotches?
Cameraman: As in clothed crotches?
Reporter: Yup.  Full-on bulge.
Cameraman: Well I guess, but…
Reporter: Then get this fat-ass walking down the sidewalk!

I hope this cameraman has better clips than this one to show should he consider applying for the same position at a different station.  Unless his new boss is just really into that sort of thing.

8.  Top Cock.

Honestly, this isn’t that funny.  But let’s note Shepard Smith giving Janie a hard time about her Freudian slip.  He opens with an assholish laugh and just lingers on the issue, rubbing it in as much as possible.  And he looks so damn smug in the process!  Could this be a call for karma?  Might this coming back to haunt the one-and-only Shepard Smith?

9.  JLojob!

Yeah, that’s right.  Sit down Shepard Smith.  You’d better be sorry, implying that J Lo is a tranny.

10.  Maybe If It Was Mike Hunt…

Pride cometh before the fall, Shepard.  That’s two blatantly out-of-place sexual references for you.  Are we seeing a pattern?  Look, Jonathan Hunt probably got enough crap growing up.  Sure, it’s not as bad as Mike Hunt per se (and Mike Hunt is foul, it’s just a disgrace that anyone’s parents would ever designate them as Mike Hunt), but still, kids are cruel, and we know how those junior high years surely went.  But to bring that back as an adult?  Traumatizing.  Especially when you really have to make the effort to confuse ‘Hunt’ with the c-bomb.

I’m sure Jonathan will take him up on his offer to “shoot [Smith] in the head”, though.

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