The Worst Movie Translations.

In the context of cinema, much gets lost in translation across cultures.  While the phrase “kicking ass plays everywhere” holds true for action flicks, most dramatic films lose meaning when viewed outside of the context of their original culture.  Because of this, some Chinese distributors have decided to aptly rename several American films to better convey the implications of American film titles.

Okay, maybe too aptly.  See if you can guess what the “American” title is after reading its Chinese translation.

1.  His Powerful Device Makes Him Famous.

What powerful device, pray tell?  A death ray?  A time machine?  Fucking green-to-white technology?  This could have implied several things.  But it’s much simpler than most folks would think, it just defines the massive tool hanging from between Marky Mark’s legs.  I heard it was a prosthetic, actually.  And to this day, I wonder who had the job of fitting Marky Mark’s cock with a prosthetic penis addition.

Translated from: Boogie Nights.

2.  Mysterious Murder in Snowy Cream.

I was disappointed with this translation.  Too vague!  First of all, “snowy cream” could imply several things: snow, artificial sweetener, ice cream, jizz.  The list is Boogie Nights dick long.  And was the murder really that mysterious?  It seemed pretty straight-forward to me.  Wife, woodchipper.  Woodchipper, wife.  Done and done, now let’s get some goddamn Rally’s!

Translated from: Fargo.

3.  I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money.

No, this is not my personal credo.  Though it’s not a bad idea.  Especially for those graduating into this economy.  It’s a stimulus package…all over her face!  But it just doesn’t make Richard Gere sound that dreamy.  Granted, Gere is getting a little too old to be dreamy any more.  I think he needs to pass that torch to Clive Owen or something, because Owen can be both dreamy and fucking awesome as shit.

Translated from: Pretty Woman.

4.  Who Is Face Belonging To?  I Will Kill You Again, Harder.

Probably the most obvious one on the list.  I applaud the Chinese here, this is a near-perfect translation.  Except for the “kill you again” part.  Can you kill someone more than once?  And can you proceed to kill them harder that time?  That line of thinking is a little sketchy.  I suppose you technically could kill someone, revive them, then go Takashi Miike on them – but who has that kind of patience these days?  I can barely wait for the next episode of Degrassi!

Translated from: Face/Off

5.  I’m Drunk and You’re a  Prostitute.

We’ve all uttered this gem at some point in our lives.  It’s just a clarification of sorts, an acknowledgement of reality.  You have to affirm that you’re about to make a horrible decision that will lead to the acquisition of skin-eating bacteria, right?  So get the facts out of the way: you’re drunk, and she’s/he’s/shehe’s a prostitute.  Good.  Now give me my fucking Academy Award before my sex rots.

Translated from: Leaving Las Vegas

6. Run!  Ruuunnn!  Cloudzilla!

Is this one real?  Are any of these really real?  It’s hard to say.  But I find that putting things in terms of Godzilla to Asians is always a wise move.  Asians are smart, but they don’t ‘get’ things like wakeboarding or fun.  They do, however, get things in terms of giant lizards that rise from the depths of the Pacific.  And more to the point, if Bill Paxton had recited this line at any point during the movie, it would be an instant classic and another addition to the repertoire of a man who already has the legendary “game over” quote in his acting arsenal.

Translated from: Twister

7.  Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals.

Wow.  Yeah, that was pretty much this movie, as far as I remember.

Translated from: George of the Jungle

8.  Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy.

Replace ‘cave’ with ‘master bedroom’, and you have a Michael Jackson biopic.  Rimshot!  No, that’s awful.  I really wish there was a more obvious person to make gay pedophile jokes about than the King of Pop.  But not that many celebrities get outed for fondling young boys.  I mean, I guess there’s the guy who plays the reporter in Deadwood, but who in the cast of Deadwood hasn’t diddled a kid at some point in their careers?  They got into their roles, and that’s how America was back then, dammit!  Oh yeah, and Joel Schumacher probably translated this himself.

Translated from: Batman & Robin

9.  Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield.

Such a common problem, especially here in the Midwest.  You think you’ve got the perfect, quiet plot of land.  Nice place to raise the kids, have a few dogs, build a baseball diamond.  And then the fucking dead guys come out of the cornstalks.  Seriously, what was wrong with the McNulty farm?  They have four-wheelers over there!  Wouldn’t ghosts rather spend their restless days riding around on four-wheelers?  You’d sure think so.

Translated from: Field of Dreams

10.  Oh No!  My Girlfriend Has a Penis!

This is both a movie and the first thing I told my roommate after I came home Wednesday morning.

Translated from: The Crying Game

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