The New Worst Food.

So I lied about what the worst food was.  I tend to do that.  What, you trusted someone whose blog o’ hate has generated all of 10 inspired comments, 7 from the same user?  Idiot.  You’re exactly the kind of person who would be eating this item of food, which is clearly the worst (arguably) edible product to ever see the back of a (undoubtedly foreign) grocery store shelf.

Pork Brains in Milk Gravy.

You might be inclined to think this is fake.  But it’s not.  This is not Photoshopped.  It actually comes from an article I ran across in The Consumerist.

Where to start?  I guess the name’s as good as any.  Now, sometimes it helps to give your item of food a literal translation.  Cashews, for instance, tell us that we are likely to find delicious cashews within the jar.  Beer-battered fish indicate that the fish on the menu has been lightly battered with beer.  Even pig feet let us know quite literally what is inside the jar, a delicacy that appeals to a very select demographic.  But “pork brains in milk gravy.”  First of all, what is a pork brain?  Is it the brain of a pig?  Is it the brain of another pork product?  Are there other porky animals besides pigs?  And if there are, what is milk gravy?  I know what country gravy is, I know what black pepper gravy is.  Hell, brown gravy works for me.  But milk gravy?  I’m going to assume that’s the creamy variety, but again, not a term I’m readily familiar with.

So the oh-so-literal name refers to two things, neither of which I am actually comfortable saying I know what it is.  Okay.  Now let’s consider the packaging.  What is that a picture of?  It looks like Indian food, if Indian food laid eggs in you which hatched into shit-weasels that tore their way out of your asshole six years later.  But it’s garnished with a bit of parsley.  And really, that makes anything.  Week-old chinese?  Bit of parsley should fix it up.  Riceball you vomited up after a night of heavy drinking?  Bit of fucking parsley.  Works like a charm.  A little, leafy, almost tasteless charm.

You will also notice that “pork brains in milk gravy” account for 1,170 percent of your recommended daily cholesterol intake.  Now, call me crazy.  I’m not a math major.  I can barely count to five – part of the reason she always makes me pull out.  Zing!  But 3,500 mg of cholesterol cannot be healthy for the average human.  3,500 mg can’t even be healthy for this guy:

Who actually lost weight and now looks like this:

But presumably still uses one of these phones:

That much cholesterol can’t even be good for a fucking orca whale.  Which should definitely be a red flag.  When you find a food that poses a danger to an animal that can more or less ingest MTV Spring Break, you have a pretty goddamn serious health problem.

But the delicious taste is worth risking the health hazards, right?  After all, one of the listed ingredients is Sodium Nitrate.  Which is, of course, a raw material for the manufacture of gunpowder.  Admittedly, it also works as a meat preservative.  But when I think meat preservative, I think canned ham or tuna.  Not, you know, canned pork brains in milk gravy.  Serving size is only 2/3rds of a cup, though, so the taste shouldn’t be overwhelming.  That, and you’ll probably already be overcome by the noxious fumes of a motherfucking pig brain stewing in milky, runny gravy.  Hell, chances are you’ll be out cold before you have your first bite.

Lastly, you’ll notice it’s produced by The Dial Corporation and its sub-manufacturer, Armour.  Where have you seen these names?  Oh, etched in your shit-stained soap bars.  Nothing like a mega-corporation that specializes in both personal hygiene products and pork brains in milk gravy.  This is why the concept of ‘comparative advantage’ exists.  You think the Japs could have come up with something like this?

Probably.  They’ve been eating weird shit for centuries.

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